I Receive a Letter From a Brain Surgeon

I recently joined Scutify.com. No sooner did I do that than the SPAM started. 

Here's one: 

HELLO I AM A RETIRED BRAIN SURGEON AND ACT AS A PRIVATE INVESTOR TO SOME CLIENT IN THE UNITED KINGDOM RANGING FROM TOP BUSINESS PERSONALS SERVING AND RETIRED ARMY. COLONEL,LIEUTENANT-COLONEL AND TOP GOVERNMENT FUNCTIONARIES WHOSE PRIVACY IS SHROUDED IN TOPMOST SECRECY. AM SEEKING FOR INVESTORS / START UPS WHO NEEDS TO EXPAND THEIR BUSINESS. I HAVE 50 MILLION DOLLARS TO INVEST IN ANY PROJECT .IF INTERESTED OR ANY OF YOUR CLIENTS, PLEASE GET BACK TO ME. MY EMAIL IS mott2015-2016 (rest of address deleted to protect the idiots*).

My Reply:

Dear Sir and/or Robot:

While I won't reply to you on Scutify, I'm glad to do it here on my blog. 

I notice that despite being a "brain surgeon" ....

• You write in ALL CAPS. A brain surgeon can't figure out the caps lock key, eh?
• Punctuation is mysteriously misplaced. Meanwhile, at least one necessary word ("I" at the beginning of a sentence) got bored and wandered off.
• Perhaps we are lucky more is not lost in that stream of not-quite consciousness.
• Seriously, I read your all-caps paragraph three times before I figured out what you were trying to say. 
• Brain surgeon indeed. Listen, sir or robot, we've already got one too many brain-damaged brain surgeons in America, thanks very much. 

To that point, I suggest you address all further communication to the website Ben Carson for President. He's badgering me for money, too. I'm sure you and Dr. Ben have lots to talk about.

Sincerely, 

Sean Brodrick

*Not you. That other guy